Sorry.
Things have been busy.. sort of.. Just the normal daily stuff, though.
Its been time-consuming but in an annoying way..
I just feel like we're kind of living in robot-mode...
go to work, go to work. save, save. blah blah blah.
Don't get me wrong, I'm totally in this, but I'm still feeling frustrated and impatient.
(story of my life.. impatience)
We went to Target yesterday and walked past the sweet little baby summer clothes.. I couldn't help but feel sad.. Its seems that my mantra is still "not yet, not yet ".
Boo.
When then?? When?
Yesterday, we also checked the blogs that I follow and one family just brought their little girl home!!
The photos are so cute but the video made me cry like a baby.
I had no control. The tears just came and the self-pity soon followed.
Stuart was really sweet. He understands that I'm completely thrilled for their family but for some reason, it still made me sad.
Watching these new families unite isn't as encouraging to me as you would think.. And its not making me feel closer to our baby either.
Watching that video made me feel farther away than EVER.
I feel my heart yanking (not tugging) toward that.. that moment.
I'm ready for our moment.
We are still planning to turn-in our applications in May. Even though we just found out last week that there is a 50% chance that Stuart will lose his job by July.
He has been giving resumes since December to no avail. Clearly the job market isn't looking too promising for anyone.
We're trying soooo hard not to get discouraged.
It just that we're so close and to have an obstacle THAT big...
You know, so what if there is a 50% chance of his job loss, there is a 100% guarantee that things will be okay. God is in control.
And we have faith that He is moving mountains in our lives that we have no idea about.
So, our plan remains the same... We're still planning for May. We will see what happens after that.
Our hearts are in the right place. What else can we do?
Trust, faith, hope..
Believe.
I feel like our life is on the backside of a huge wave that's just about to crest... we're freaking out because its speeding up but not fast enough and yet too fast because we're totally worrying that we're not ready for it.. whatever it is...
I anticipate that the view from the top will be amazing and breathtaking and thrilling.. completely life-changing...
But since I'm a planner and a control-freak spazz, I'm stressed about what happens after the crest... I mean, there's a fall, isn't there??
Holy crap!
I don't want everything to come crashing down around me! I don't know what that will feel like but I can imagine.. and its not good.
So maybe we'll just panic (as usual) and try to jump off of this wave...
You know, maybe we really should wait for the next one.. we'll probably be ready then.
Yeah, we'll definitely be ready then...
Wow. Am I really willing to miss out on my life's most incredible experiences because I'm..... scared?
Of the unknown?
Give me a break! That's just life, right?!
Unknown.. bah!
And its called Faith.
I recently read that "Faith is a decision of your heart, demonstrated by repentance. To repent means to stop going in one direction, to turn around completely, and to go the opposite way."
We need to stop.
Just stop.
And then we'll turn around and go in the opposite direction.
Stop trying to figure everything out. Stop trying to plan it all perfectly, detail by detail. Making a fool-proof plan with a Plan B and Plan C (just in case).
If I have those, who needs faith, right? Seriously.
I've got it covered, God! No need to worry your pretty little head about little ol' me.
No. No.
We're set.
And thennnnn, it happens.
It always happens.
Every freaking time.
Ugh. Clearly a message is being sent to me. But I still don't want to hear it.
Sooo I ignore it and wait for the next time, and the next time, and the next time, and...
So Faith, huh?
Yep. That's where we are...
Because I'm so tired of living but not living.
I think we have to be willing and even eager to risk EVERYTHING for that chance to live..
to truly live.
I believe and know with my whole heart that I am ready and willing...
I'm so tired of allowing fear and doubt and discouragement and obstacles to alter the course of my life.
I guess, we've continually accepted a life of mediocrity simply out of convenience..
Its more "convenient" because having Faith is hard.. really, really hard.
And it requires time, for soul-searching and actively pursuing God. For prioritizing someone, something over me and my wants, my needs...
Its almost stupid how hard it is!
Stuart and I are in that process of beginning to live the lives we were meant to live.
This is going to be a life-long process but then again, it should be..
God knows what will happen next... :)
2 comments:
I am so with you! There are so many families getting their babies right now that I am following. I am so happy for them yet makes me sad that I am not even near that yet. Having four children already, we were definitely freaked out that we really were going to do this. But knew this is what God has called us to do. But now, we are so excited and there is no fear at all.
I get sad when I see other babies too. I think it is totally normal. I just ache for my baby girl. I don't know my arms feel empty. It feels good sometimes to just write it out. Feel free I will read and say hey yeah I feel that way too.
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