Thursday, October 8, 2009

Note to self.....

"I tell you the truth,

if you have faith as small as a mustard seed,

you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,'

and it will move.

Nothing will be impossible for you”

(Matthew 17:20).

non-blogging blog

To the three of you that are still checking our blog..... ;)

Sorry for this lame and completely un-updated "blog"...
And I use that term very loosely since the actual purpose of a "blog" is to post things on a somewhat regular basis so that people can, oh.. I don't know.. read your written thoughts!
Of course, that's assuming that I have any! ;)

Truthfully, my problem has never been NOT having thoughts.. its actually the opposite.
I have to physically and consciously slow my brain down and stop long enough to sit at the computer and gather a cohesive stream that's worthy of recording into a posting.
And that's my other problem...
I think that I put waaaaay too much relevance on this blogging thing. Like what I say has to be of some enormous amount of importance or something?
I mean, "worthy of recording into a posting"... did I just write that?.... Twice?

I spend way too much time in my head (if that makes sense?). I need to just relax and get over myself. Taking life way too seriously is my biggest fault.
I have issues with living in the moment and being present. I'm working on it though!
Hey, I'm typing something right now!

I'm actually blogging on my "blog"??? Holy crap, what a concept!

So anywho..

What have we been up to?

Well, we decided after the long-awaited mailing of our adoption application to the smaller, local agency in Murfreesboro, that we may have made a mistake.

We were soo freaking excited, thrilled actually, to finally be mailing that packet in!
And then, we waited, and waited, and waited... Finally after over 2 weeks of waiting, I called and called and called... and apparently no one ever answers the phone there??
So we started having second thoughts about that agency.
I mean, if we are already having communication problems and difficulty in their returning phone calls, and this is at the beginning? Well, it doesn't look good for the remainder of our relationship and we still have a very very long way to go.

We didn't make any hasty decisions though. I called a national agency that had also sent us a paperwork packet and info several months ago. They had continued to send us emails since then as well, which is kind of cool to be updated on the goings-on at the agency and all of that jazz. Its important!
So after a very long chat with two super-nice ladies at the other agency, we made the decision to fill out their preliminary application online and see what happens!

The VERY next day, we received an email from the local (first) agency's case worker director regarding moving forward with our process... the only problem besides it taking nearly 3 weeks to contact us, is that the person assigned to us only works 1 1/2 days per week.
Don't get me wrong! That's a pretty sweet schedule for her. But not so good for us.
A lot of adoption stuff is time-sensitive and 1 1/2 days a week is not going to be enough, especially since I'm certain that we wouldn't be her only case.

So needless to say, we have decided to pursue the second agency, "Bethany Christian Services". And so far, so good.
They have kept us very informed and updated. All of the people I've spoken to have been amazingly informative. And they put me at ease. It just feels right.

Maybe I sound like a total nut to you, overreacting about the 3 weeks and the 1 1/2 days...
But this is a very strange process to begin with!
I mean, the whole thing is very.... "removed"?
I'm not sure if that's the proper word for what I'm trying to say but you just feel like you're 'on the outside looking in' through this. At least that's how I feel.

And like you're completely at someone else's mercy.
The agency has the ability to approve or deny you.
Another country can approve or deny you.
Birth parents can approve or deny you.
Your entire life (history, finances, careers, health, past health, childhood, friends, family, potential-future-parenting-style...) will either work for or against you.

Maybe its just because we're in that "approval" phase right now. But I'm really feeling like I'm under the microscope. And I'm filled with self-doubt.. Like maybe I'm not good enough, or we're not enough somehow as a couple?
Its all very emotional and psychological.
Someone else is deciding if your life is worthy of a child...
deciding if you can have a family or not..
and that's tough.
Really really tough.

I accept it 100%. I mean, what else can I do... its how this process works. But its still very difficult for me.
Stuart is great through all of this. He believes that everything will be great and we're on our way! Nothing can stop us! Faith, Summer, Faith!
I know. I know!
I'm still trying to keep my focus and I do have Faith. But I can't stop that knot in my throat from forming as I sit here thinking (all in my head again... dammit!) about the "what-if's"...

So the point of all of this ranting is that we are still around. Just not blogging as much anymore because I feel like we don't have much to say.
Its hard to be inspired to post on your "adoption blog" when you have no news and you're worried that someone at the adoption agency is going to stamp"Denied" on your packet any second, and then what?

(In case you're wondering, I do realized what a complete spazz I am being. And that most likely all of this will work out fine but I am naturally a worry-wart and all-around doubter of everything.. )
And I'm also just getting over being sick, so my cynicism and self-pity monitor go through the roof when I don't feel good and I've been at home too long.... thinking about my life and its direction.. Too much self-analysis and reflection. Pooey.

But other than that, things are just peachy! ;)

Really, I am not a depressed, suicidal nutcase, I swear! This is why I don't blog very often.. my dark humor and cynical views sound much less charming written down.. ;)

My next blog will be joyful, positive and full of daffodil-like delighfulness, I promise! Bunnies and violets, you'll see!

Okay, I just reread my posting to proofread, (I'm ridiculous, I know..) but seriously, just so you know, I'm a very happy person.. No, really!

Maybe I shouldn't blog anymore because this one is pretty bad.. Sorry, to the 3 of you!